Over the past nine months, my husband and I have come across some really bad times, and it keeps getting worse.
We are no stranger to struggle, things are tough more often than they are not, but we have always managed and managed with a smile. We have each other, we have our babies and we are rich in love. Lots of times I lost sleep and worried about things in excess only for them to all work out in the end. Plenty of times we laughed at how stressed I had been and he had always said that he knew it would work out. Keep the faith, he always said. I always did too, but this time is exceedingly difficult.
I find myself smiling on the outside and saying that I know it will all be alright, but in my heart, just as I had known in the past when it truly would be, I am feeling this time that it won’t be. The weight of the situation and the feeling of my faith fading is wearing on me in an indescribable way. I am a broken person. My body is actually breaking down. I feel physically fragile. If you were to brush up against me, I would crumble into dust. There is a chronic lump in my throat that no matter how many times I try to swallow past it, it comes back bigger. I am on the verge of tears constantly, but I am so empty, I can’t actually cry. All of these things that I am feeling, are dragging me down even further. I hate feeling like this. I would do anything not to feel like this. I would love to be one of those people who says “God will provide” and actually believe it. Those people who have an inspirational quote for every possible situation really piss me the hell off. It’s probably because I am jealous. I have hit such a low that I actually wish I was one of those people.
I am tired, no, exhausted. For the first time in my life, I feel like there is absolutely no fight left in me. I have always been able to joke about things being difficult. I can’t find the humor in this situation. If I feel anything other than defeat, it is anger. I’m angry because we seem to have the lion’s share of bad luck. I am angry because other people seem to have things magically work themselves out all the time and we are constantly navigating our way through shit. I wonder if it is through some fault of our own. Sure, there have been some things that we have brought upon ourselves, but there have been just as many that were not. Why can’t we have a run in with some good fortune? Why can’t God smile on us, just this once? We are good people. We may not be devoutly religious, but we do unto others as we would have done unto ourselves. We love our children, we are good friends to many people, we are not dishonest or greedy. My husband would help anyone who needed it, happily and without question. Still, whenever we pick ourselves up, something is inevitably there to knock us back down. What if we can’t get back up this time?
So I sit here, typing this, thinking that if I let all of this dark, poisonous negativity out of my system, that somehow I will feel relieved. Somehow I will get just a small spark of my old self back. I had hoped that by letting it out, that proverbial boulder that is laying on my chest would be lifted. I don’t have time to be this dark, this done. How can I throw my hands up in surrender when I have these beautiful babies to care for?
Tomorrow is another day. Another day to fix what is broken, to try to clean up this mess. Maybe a little light will shine down into my hole and lift me out of the darkness with a plan to turn things around. God, I hope so.