I am sure many people are aware of it now, because it has been in the news again recently, but Jon Hamm of Mad Men fame has been blessed with a large penis. However, my best friend Paul* (not his real name, of course) and I happened to notice this several month’s ago.
Due to the fact that Paul and I have managed to become responsible adult’s without actually maturing fully, we have several stupid discussions about things that responsible adult’s, at least in my mind, don’t talk about. One day the topic turned to Jon Hamm’s member.
Paul: Did you see the latest pictures of Jon Hamm? (giggling like a 9 year old)
me: I have no idea what you are talking about.
Paul: Oh my God, how could you not know, there are entire websites dedicated to it. Google Jon Hamm’s penis and see what comes up
Well, I went to my google search bar and I got as far as Jon Hamm and it immediately listed several sites referring to his wiener. So I clicked on the first one that came up and two pictures popped open, one a close up with the area circled and one of the same picture, but from further away.
Me: Holy Shit! That is ridiculous. ( Paul
is now hysterical on the other end of the phone) He can’t possibly be wearing any underwear and you know what? It is a little grotesque. I mean I am not offended by the sight of a wong, but if I were strolling down the street in Manhattan with my kids and I turned a corner into that, someone who has to be aware that their wardrobe leaves nothing to the imagination, I would be a little pissed off. He is totally doing that on purpose.
Paul: Well if I were hung like that, I would dress like that too. It’s just not fair. He is the triple threat. He is good-looking as all hell, he has this huge peenie and I want to hate him for it, but I have heard him being interviewed and he is a genuinely decent, down to earth guy. God isn’t supposed to bestow so many gifts on one person.
Me: You mean like how you guys all tell me I have a great butt and that’s why I didn’t get any boobs? The old God giveth and God taketh away theory?
Paul: Exactly. Sure I am smart and creative and I have this awesome personality, but I am hung like a sewer cap.
Me: Listen, I am a woman and I am sitting here and I am telling you that size doesn’t matter unless it is way too big. Also, if you could swap and have a big wiener, but give up all the things that make you, well you, then we would have never been friends. I have no interest in your penis, but I could never give up our extremely important, soul-searching chats, much like the one we are having now. You did very well for yourself. You had tons of girlfriends growing up and you have the most awesome wife out of all of the guys. None of this would’ve been possible without your personality and sense of humor. God bestowed many gifts upon you. Your sewer cap issue is just proof that He has a sense of humor. It was how funny you were when we first met that captivated me and kept me around for the past 20 years.
Paul: Really? Because for me it was your ass. I was captivated by your ass and sure you are hysterical and we think alike, but I still look at your ass. We all do.
Me: You’re a dick.
He laughed like crazy and I hung up. I will miss these chats someday when they start recording phone calls at our jobs or Jon Hamm starts dressing more conservatively. Whichever comes first.