Yesterday I wrote a post about my two best friends and our silly, immature friendship. Being a grown up has sucked canal water to the tenth power lately, so I sent pal #2 a text asking if he and pal #1 wanted to grab a bite to eat Saturday night.
So Paul calls me today and says he spoke to Sal and they have something in the works for Saturday night and they will let me know for sure in the morning. So I jokingly say that if I don’t make the cut, I won’t be upset. Paul makes some silly comment about me being on the back burner and then says,
“Seriously, we were talking and we need to have dinner with you tomorrow. In fact, if we can’t work dinner out, we need to have a conference call.”
So I am wondering what the hell is wrong. My mind starts racing so I ask if everything is ok and he assures me that everything is absolutely fine. The two of them just have some crazy, juicy gossip that they have to tell me.
Now these two futhermuckers know how much I hate it when someone tells me that they have news that they have to tell me, but they can’t tell me now. Then just don’t say anything to me at all until you can tell me the whole story.
So now Paul is laughing and telling me not to even ask what it is, that I have to wait. They will either tell me tomorrow night at dinner or over the “teleconference”. I am cursing them nine ways from Sunday and he is hysterical laughing. So I say,
“Ya know what? The three of us are supposed to be equals. When the hell are the two of you going to stop excluding me because I am the one with the vagina! This is total bullshit and I am gonna fix both your asses for this.” Paul is laughing so hard he can’t breathe, because half of the fun of this so called gossip is telling me that they want to tell me something, but I have to wait. They know me so well and love to torture me as a form of entertainment.
“Ya know what the best part of this is?” he says, “Sal knew you would react this way. He said it exactly. He said rather than be excited about the fact that you were the only other person we wanted to share this story with, you were going to be pissed that we knew first. It wouldn’t matter that we are calling you right now to tell you, you would find a way to be aggravated.”
And yet they went ahead and did it to me anyway. We hung up because he swore with the F word that he was absolutely not telling me until tomorrow night. Then I remembered the last time Sal called and told me he had mind blowing, juicy gossip. He couldn’t wait to tell me. When he finally told me what it was, it was the lamest crap in the whole wide world. So I quick called Paul back and said it better not be something stupid and he assured me it would be great. He said I would lose sleep over it. I don’t want to be worrying about anybody else. But he didn’t mean it like that. So now, if everyone is ok, which thank God, they are and it isn’t sad gossip, it better not be anything that is going to make me choke on my quesadilla. No one better dare try to come between me and my food. With these two momos, if it isn’t bad news, it’s going to be gross news. I can’t hear gross while I am eating guacamole. It would kill my buzz