coitus interruptus

So we all know my date went right in the crapper last night. By the time my second wind wore off and I was ready for bed at 1am, my husband had woken up from his  power nap and wanted to know what had happened to our date.  My response was to roll over in my most unflattering pair of sweatpants and old P.A.L t-shirt and go to sleep.

This morning all my kids woke up at once, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed like squirrels on crystal meth and I felt like I had the worst hangover in the world, even though all I had to drink was water and Dr. Pepper. It took forever for me to log roll myself out of bed and even at that, I just rolled into the living room and laid on the couch.  I gave the baby a bottle and some dry cheerios, turned on Nick, Jr and tried to muster up the energy for a run to the bagel store.

For some strange reason, my pervie husband found this extremely attractive. He decided he was going to make his best effort to woo me out of my crusty sweatpants and reclaim date night, only on Sunday morning.

Firstly, my husband has no game. It is sad really, but my friend Paul and I did some research on this.  Men that are really good-looking don’t have to work at having game because women are always throwing themselves at them anyway. Whereas my friend Paul, who I happen to think is very cute, but he says no, can charm the pants off of anyone because he has spent years honing his skills.

Geno in 1984Secondly, I suppose he has never met his sons, CB and CB jr. I can’t even go to the bathroom without an interruption and this man thinks he is going to get a few minutes alone with me? I do believe he has lost his mind.

So my poor husband spent the morning pursuing me around the house, trying to persuade me to give up the drawers. Now I knew it wouldn’t work and that it would never happen.  Even if we could sneak off for a while, I would be distracted by the oldest brother torturing the youngest brother or the baby waking from his nap or the big one beating on the door to tell us something that he thought was important.+

I don’t know if I was delirious from exhaustion or if I thought his wooing technique was so pathetic that I found it funny, but I caved. We snuck off and tried, I mean really put our best efforts in to have ten minutes of intimacy. We tried for over an hour and did not succeed. It was quite possibly the most horrible experience since the last time we tried to squeeze some lovin in during the day.

First, Quinn came knocking, five different times at five-minute intervals to snuggle, ask me to put the straw in his Capri sun, tie his shoe, tell me had to poop and just to say hi. It  was actually funny and cute.  He clearly went to the same CB school as his brother.

Then Liam is no dummie. If Geno and I are alone in our room, something is going on.  He thinks we are either talking about stuff he wants to know, planning a party or arguing and he is not having it.  So now all of a sudden, he has to put clothes in the hamper, tattle on Quinn or wants to tell me about some b.s. going on at school.  He was relentless.

Then, as if on cue, the ladybug woke up. And now I have the female equivalent of blue balls. And no one is going to get laid later because none of the adults in this house can stay up past ten and we all know the Game of Thrones is on tonight. Funny TV Ecard: Game of Thrones is on. It's time to shut the fuck up.It is nothing short of a miracle that I managed to get pregnant with child two and child three. What a way to close out a weekend.

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About Jen

I am a working, full-time mom to three beautiful children, ages 9 1/2, 3 1/2 and 15 months. My blog is partly therapy for me, part journal of my children's memories and partly a source of advice or atleast humor to other parents out there in the big world. While my children are my greatest joy and accomplishment, I am trying to maintain my individuality AND be a great mom. I am hoping to do this without screwing my kids up. Somedays are wonderful and I feel extreme gratitude to these little people that have completed my life. Other days, they seem to suck the life right out of me. I try to approach it all with a sense of humor and full knowledge that parenting can lead to alcoholism and brain damage. Please feel free to comment on any posts and suggestions are welcome .
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16 Responses to coitus interruptus

  1. Sunday morning quickies are my favorite but they’re tricky to get in. Everything has to come together just right.

    • momonfire says:

      there are soooo many puns in this comment. I am dying over here. lol
      listen, I friggin no better, but God Bless my husband and his libido. He has to try and honestly, he could block out the sound of the two boys beating the shit out of each other. I just can’t

  2. Amber Perea says:

    My husband has no game, either. I’m always like, “Really? Come on now, if you want to get me jazzed up on YOUR schedule you are going to have to work a little harder than asking nicely”. 🙂

    PS- Your husband reminds me of the sax player in Lost Boys. Is he hiding a pony tail back there? Lol 😉

    • momonfire says:

      I don’t know lol. He was 19 in that picture and I was ten. I didn’t know him then. But probably

    • Libby Sawyer says:

      My fiance’s idea of showing me he wants me is to rub my stomach like I’m Winnie the Pooh, or pregnant, or the Pillsbury Doughboy, or something like that that is completely unattractive and doesn’t put me in the mood. 😦 They need to teach men when they are young how to really “woo” the “girls”.

      • Amber Perea says:

        What’s nuts is my husband used to have the “moves” but now he’s just plain lazy!

        “Hey wanna go?” Is aNOT foreplay, dude! 😉

      • momonfire says:

        My husband’s idea is to stand there with his pants around his ankles or with his penguinis poking through the trap door of his boxers. How could anyone resist that

  3. Libby Sawyer says:

    I know how you feel and I only have one 6-month-old! My fiance and I went from sex every day to “did we have sex this week? nope”. By the time my baby gets to bed I’m totally not in the mood. 😦

  4. Pingback: I Received a Liebster Award! | thelittledabbler

  5. Libby Sawyer says:

    I nominated you for a Liebster Award because I am absolutely entertained by your blog! If you want to participate, here is the link to what the Liebster Award is all about and my questions for you. 🙂

    http://thelittledabbler.wordpress.com/2013/04/29/i-was-nominated-for-a-liebster-award/

  6. I’m a little afraid to ask, but what is “blue balls”?

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