I will never learn. Never, ever. Or, my mother is right (holy shit I hope she didn’t just sense me writing that) and I will always and forever do the right thing, even if it’s bringing me nothing but torment.
Originally, Mother’s Day was to be spent at my sister’s, celebrating my nephew’s birthday with the family, but my brother-in-law had not been feeling well and it didn’t seem right to have everyone go over there and have him slaving over the grill. I simply cannot go a Mother’s Day without seeing my mom. She is my best friend and she does a lot for me and even more for my children and I love her. She would be sad if she didn’t get to see us. So I decided to invite everyone over here and I would cook and it would be a relaxed day with all of us together. Except I was the furthest thing from relaxed. Quinnie had some unknown skin thing that was or wasn’t chicken pox ( as of now, I am going with wasn’t). I was up too late the night before and couldn’t get my ass in gear that morning. I thought my husband had gotten sweet Italian sausage for my gravy like I had asked, but when I went to get it out of the fridge, I found links of breakfast sausage. What the &^*$! They were out of luigiana sausage and the butcher told him that breakfast sausage and sweet Italian sausage were the same. Only an Irish person would believe that, and that is what I sent to the food store. Of course I had extended the invitation to my mother-in-law as well, since I could not exclude her, for she is my beloved’s mother and my children’s grandmother, at least by blood.
As I always say, no good deed goes unpunished. I also always say that I was born at night, but not last night, that I am surrounded by assassins, that my boss has me working like a one armed paper hanger with crabs and fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, but I digress. Back to me being punished for my good deeds.
She was the first to arrive. No one was here except for me and rosebud. The boys were at the park with Geno and my parents hadn’t gotten there yet. We exchanged gifts and she asked me if my sister was coming. I explained that her and her family were doing there own thing. We exchanged small talk about how she was looking for an affordable apartment and how she takes her 14 year old dog to a holistic vet that only accepts cash. Thankfully, the boys and my parents arrived at the same time and we sat at the table waiting for the water to boil for the pasta and making conversation. She asked me, my mother and my father if my sister was coming, again. Then the unsolicited, ding dong advice began to flow like a river of bullshit. First was how I should try the Feingold diet for Liam and his ADHD. Perhaps she should try the Feingold Diet because clearly she has attention problems, we already had this conversation over Easter dinner.
Next topic was Bill Maher and how he is an atheist or some shit because as soon as religion comes up I have tune her ass out. I have faith. I believe in God and I believe you should treat others as you expect to be treated. I do not have a lot of faith in organized
crime religion, but I do not judge those who do. She is a fanatical Born Again Christian and when I say fanatical I mean she is the Bin Laden of the Born Again Christian faith.
Anyway, she proceeded to get more and more irritated over Bill Maher and my dope husband fell right into the trap and they started to disagree and I saw my Dad’s eyes roll back into his head. All poor Geno had said was that Maher had said something funny. I know for a fact Gene doesn’t like him either. Anyway, I told that them the conversation had to stop immediately. She argued that they weren’t fighting, but I stuck to my guns and just said that no good could come from that conversation, so they moved on to another topic. During the next hour, she eluded to her son being a dishonest and immoral person. Can you feel the love? Then I heard the word muslim and Shariah Law and I had to difuse that too. My poor father started to talk about the gym that he and my mother go to and his yoga routine and wouldn’t you know that yoga includes Satanic practices and that my mother in law has advised people in the past that a true Christian can not do yoga. Lastly, the straw that broke the camel’s back and almost had me breaking her face was her criticism of me, to my mother, while I was five feet away from her as if I couldn’t hear her or was deaf, dumb and blind. Mind you I spent the day cooking, serving, cleaning up and taking care of the kids. My husband is absent minded and was busy socializing and someone has to take care of the kids. While I was scolding Liam and wrestling a diaper onto AvaRose, Quinn started to act out. I told him that if he didn’t stop, he would be punished. The Blessed Mother turns to my mother and says ” You know, she makes threats but she never follows through. She has to actually do something.”
Well, I don’t know if I can express in words what happened next, but I will do my best. In one quick motion, as if Jesus Christ himself had bestowed upon me super powers, I was up from sitting on the floor with Ava in my arms and across the room right at my mother-in-laws feet and said the following, all while my head spun around and my hair burst into flames:
“First of all, I can hear you, so don’t talk about me to my mother as if I am not here or I am deaf. Secondly, don’t you dare tell me that I don’t discipline my kids when it is well known within a 15 mile radius that I am uber strict and do not spare the rod. If you want to talk discipline, speak to your son who is just as well known for being the weakest link and has overridden Liam’s last three punishments this week alone.”
Then I had to clam up because I thought I was going to hit her. I saw the look on my mother’s face and I knew I said to much and let my temper get the better of me. It is not that my mom thought I was wrong, she just feels like I shouldn’t let ole Dot get me to that point. When she called me this morning, she told me she didn’t know whether to run or duck. Truth be told, I have never, ever been so annoyed with my mother in law.
She only sees my kids for the major holidays and birthdays, so that is seven times a year, if she comes for Christmas, which sometimes she doesn’t. She complains that she never sees her grandkids, yet when she comes over, she doesn’t spend any time with them, she spends the evening at the table chewing my father or some other victim’s ear off about how they are worshiping the devil by going to yoga, or how the president isn’t a citizen, or that the end of the world is coming and that only the Born Agains will be saved. Dear Lord, I am telling you now, I can’t believe that You would save a group of people who openly preach hatred for any group that doesn’t agree with their beliefs. I am not saying that they have to go the Hell, but they can’t go to heaven. Amen. She complains that her son never calls her, yet there isn’t a visit that goes by without her insulting him or taking digs at him or saying inappropriate things to my kids. Yesterday was just like no other visit we have ever had. It was like she did a bump before she got there, sat at the table and unleashed her verbal diarrhea on all of us. And Sunday is Quinnie’s birthday and I have to see her again. It is just too soon and I know I will be too sensitive so I have to start drinking today in order to guarantee that I will be numb by Sunday. It is my sweet baby boy fourth birthday and I will not have that shit. I will not have it!
I don’t hold her beliefs against her. I am friendly with tons of people that don’t share my beliefs and vice versa. I don’t care that she is Born Again, I don’t care that she hates Obama and believes he is a Muslim, Non-Citizen and that the end of the world is May 21st, 2012, no wait it is December 23rd, 2012, no wait, the Mayans were wrong, it’s the next one. I don’t want to be beaten to death with her beliefs. I don’t want to be told I am going to burn in the fiery depths of hell because I don’t share her beliefs. I am already in hell when she is at my house.
So today was my Mother’s Day do over. Quinnie had to stay home from daycare due to his uncharacterized jibopitas, so I stayed home with him and only him. Liam had school and AvaRose went to daycare cause bad enough that lady was making $120 today for one kid that wasn’t even there, she wasn’t getting it with nobody there. He didn’t want to go out, he wanted to watch Curious George and Pocahantas. He was so happy he had me all to himself, he told me “I wuv dis day!” I sat in my chair with my feet up, working from home while he watched his shows, until 3 pm. It was glorious and I felt recharged and he felt happy and special because he had me all to himself. Me, his spawn of the devil mother that snake charmed Dot’s sweet Irish son into falling in love with me and having a family. What a splendidly perfect day. Winning!!! Happy Mother’s Day!