Let me preface this by saying I love my mother and there is no intent to be mean in this post. It is all in good fun and she would laugh at it, mostly. Except for the next few sentences.
My mom is a very proud “lady”. She never wears white after labor day or before memorial day, her shoes always match her bag, he undergarments are never showing and she wears a lot of fine jewelry. She is also very hoity toity and holds herself in a class by herself, not required to follow the rules and laws of the common folk, such as the laws of gravity.
She is on vacation with my Dad right now in Hyannisport. They just arrived and went to the liquor store to get her wine for her to relax with in the hotel room. Somehow while walking down the street, she slipped and slid all the way down the block on her stomach and shins and elbows until she was stopped by crashing her dome into a steel pole. Thankfully, she is alright. She called me, hysterical laughing about the incident and telling me that my poor Dad was shaking with worry.
I thought she should get checked out by a doctor, but she said she was fine. I could hear my Dad in the background saying that he thought he was going to see blood and that a man from one of the stores she slid by came running out to call an ambulance, but she said she never lost consciousness and had already had two glasses of wine and she felt great, but sore.
Now this is doubly funny because Liam had fallen off a pony over the weekend, as gracefully as a sack of bowling balls. He slid off the side of the animal and landed with a thud and a grunt. While everyone was having a good giggle, I mentioned that it must be genetic. Liam slips off a pony, my nona was constantly falling off or over something, may she rest in peace, I am a regular Lucille Ball and my mother is no slouch in the falling department either.
Well, my mother had an odd reaction. She quickly mentioned that she was not a clutz or clumsy. That she has only ever fallen due to something being in her way or her tripping over something. How this is different from being clumsy is a mystery to me, but I digress. According to her, she is as graceful as a prima ballerina. Whatever, Ma. Keep telling yourself that.
So then she calls with this doozy of a story and I had to say that this all sounds very familiar and didn’t we just have this conversation. She says yes, but she didn’t fall because she was clumsy, she fell because the sidewalks were in poor shape. Was she not looking at the sidewalk, did she not see that they were in disrepair? Did the sidewalk jump up or stick their leg out and trip her? I don’t know.
After a few more details about her graceful entrance into Hyannisport, I ask her how my Dad is. She tells me he is ok, but he is more than a little tired from their trip, even though they haven’t done anything yet. I know where this is going. This is going to the land of my Dad is lazy and doesn’t do anything to entertain my mother and their vacation stunk and my Dad is an old fart and blah, blah, blah. So I tell my mother that he is probably tired because seeing her overzealous tryout for the Summer Olympics by performing a dry, body luge was simply too much for him to take. He probably got a quick rush of adrenaline after she started picking up speed while sliding down the street on an invisible slip and slide and that now he is crashing because he knows she is ok. I also mention to her that it is too soon to try out for the next summer Olympics and that the body luge is not yet a category. Keep your graceful ass off the floor before Daddy has to cruise around town with you in a hovaround for the duration of their vacation.
Parents! You can’t take them anywhere.