The Real Princesses of Long Island-P.S. Please Don’t Watch That Show

A Garden hose.

A Garden hose. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

After looking at my thirtieth apartment in my quest for someplace that will rent to me, my husband and my three wild hooligan children, I had to run to Stop and Shop.  As I turn the corner, I see my sister, standing in front of the nursery school where she is a teacher’s aide, looking sour as all hell. So I pull over and she starts laughing.  She tells me she can’t believe she just got caught doing what she is doing.  Well, what the fuck are you doing, cause it looks like you are hookin?
So she tells me that the neighbor three houses down has been harassing the students and teachers for months.  He has vandalized cars, he has followed teachers home and he has cursed and screamed at the children ( they are all two-four years of age, mind you).  Today he got pissed at a mom that had just dropped her son off and due to her making a three point turn, he missed the traffic light and proceeded to follow her and pull up next to her at every traffic light and get out of his car and curse and scream at her with the baby in the car. My sister has had it.  The cops can’t do anything until he physically does something and the kid’s graduation is coming up and sissy is afraid he is going to ruin it.  So, there is a cop waiting around the corner, my sista is playing bait and she is going to taunt him into coming out of the house and flipping out.

I want to know why the cops didn’t arrest him for aggravated harassment when he pursued the mother in her car.  My sister said the mom didn’t call the cops, she called the school (dumbbell #1).  Have the cops been making police reports when they are called? Not until recently.  We had been calling the precinct, but their hands are tied until he commits an actual crime. From now on we will call 911 and they will make a report every time they come back to the school. (Dumbbell #2) What about your neighbors? He is trespassing through their yards and standing in their yard yelling at the students.  They aren’t home, she tells me.

“O.K. Ta, don’t one of you women have a phone with video on it? While he is screaming and cursing at the kids, whip a cellphone out and tape the bastard!”

“That’s a good idea.”, she tells me. Well no shit, Chet.

“Tara, what the hell is wrong with you people. No one is handling this right. First of all, while you are working your best right now at 8 p.m. to lure him out of the house to curse and scream at you, he isn’t even here.  Secondly, you and your coworkers need to invest in some airhorns. Does Ms. Anne have a garden hose in the play yard?”

“Yea, why?” she asks. At this point, I am thinking I am going to have to draw a picture for this poor fool, who was considered the scholar of the family because she got better test grades. Clearly, street smarts trump book smarts when it comes to life skills, otherwise known as aggravating your neighbor and putting him in a looney bin.

“You or one of your fellow teachers need to make sure the garden hose is ready and in hand. When fuckface peeks over the fence and starts screaming, blast that Mofo in the face with the hose.  Every time he shouts an expletive, sound the air horn. If you really want to get his drawers in a twist, while someone sprays his ass with the hose, have someone else throw a bag of flour at his ass.  Get the kids involved, give them each a little airhorn or a bag of flour. Do you need me to sub here on Friday? Should I come here with my kids, cause if he calls Quinn a motherfucker, Quinn will curse him out, feed him a soap sandwich and send him home crying to his mama with a kick in the ass.”

I proceeded to tell her that if he can get away with vandalizing her car because no one saw him do it, no one will see me let all the air out of his tires everyday, for a month. I schooled her on fighting fire with fire. I showed her how to download an airhorn app onto the iphone , which was an epic fail, but free and I am having fun with it at home.

We had a few laughs and decided to part ways, just as we pulled away, angry Nazi neighbor pulled into his driveway and went right to his bar/garage and had a cocktail.

We are the Princesses of Long Island. Not that I ever want to be called that. We aren’t all Jewish. Those who are Jewish don’t talk like those annoying girls on the show. We all don’t live with our parents until we find a well to do, dumb guy that will support us in exchange for lukewarm, lousy B.J.s for the rest of his life. I can be a lady and I can knock someone out if I had to. I live within my means, which is clearly why we are almost homeless, LOL (bad joke, I know). AND, everyone knows the North Shore sucks and South Shore is the shizzat. Who the hell wants to pick pebbles out of their crack after trying to go to the beach in Northport. South shore sand is smooth and lovely.

The only thing my Dad might have had to do was bail me and Sissy out of jail tonight after we clawed her mean,drunk neighbor to death. Even at that, he might of made us sit there and rot. Princesses my ass.


About Jen

I am a working, full-time mom to three beautiful children, ages 9 1/2, 3 1/2 and 15 months. My blog is partly therapy for me, part journal of my children's memories and partly a source of advice or atleast humor to other parents out there in the big world. While my children are my greatest joy and accomplishment, I am trying to maintain my individuality AND be a great mom. I am hoping to do this without screwing my kids up. Somedays are wonderful and I feel extreme gratitude to these little people that have completed my life. Other days, they seem to suck the life right out of me. I try to approach it all with a sense of humor and full knowledge that parenting can lead to alcoholism and brain damage. Please feel free to comment on any posts and suggestions are welcome .
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5 Responses to The Real Princesses of Long Island-P.S. Please Don’t Watch That Show

  1. Amber Perea says:

    I totally have a girl crush on you right now. Epic post. I mean, I wouldn’t know Long Island from a hole in the wall (dumb redneck southern accent) but seriously, almost died laughing through this post. 🙂

    • Jen says:

      I couldn’t describe it to you either except the Long Island I know is not like the idiots on that show. Which is not to say there aren’t idiots of other kinds here. Lol

  2. Libby Sawyer says:

    I’m trying to imagine a conversation outside a daycare/school where two grown sisters would be talking like this. lol I know your frustration. I get friends and family asking for advice on dealing with people like this. I give them your kind of advice (legal and kick-ass) but they’re too wishy-washy to follow through. LIke, if you aren’t going to use your brain and take my advice, don’t ask. Geesh.

    • Jen says:

      Well clearly we are only grown in the physical sense. And the conversation was exactly like the post. My sister and I were standing in the street, leaning on her car in front of the psychos house. We had a lot of laughs, especially when I downloaded the air horn app that stunk lol

  3. Libby Sawyer says:

    Hello! I nominated you for a Super Sweet Blogging Award! I couldn’t find a contact page, so I left this here. Hope that’s okay! You can see the rules here:


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